


Who Says Robots Have No Hearts?

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Robots, bad family situations, sort of humanstuck, this will be BIG and VERY SLOW to update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 08:38:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4739951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade gets a roommate, accidentally sparking consequences on a planetary scale and uncovering some inconvenient truths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Says Robots Have No Hearts?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm uploading the first chapter of this fic, which I've had in the works for ages and I really want to finish at some point. It's gonna be big, there's gonna be robots (?!) and it's gonna be fun (but also sad in places I'm sorry!!). Updates will be super sporadic, sorry about that! Pairings, warnings, ratings, characters etc. etc. will be added when applicable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I updated this, just added a jade/john pesterlog at the end, thought it fit better in this chapter)

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]  \--  
GG: john i have a kind of weird question to ask…  
EB: what is it?  
GG: you know how ive been worried about paying for my studies next year??  
GG: i was thinking maybe someone could board with me and pay half the house expenses  
EB: wow that could be a really cool idea! and fun i bet.  
GG: yeah :) but who would be able to just start living on an isolated island?  
EB: i will ask around.  
EB: lets make a memo!

ectoBiologist [EB] opened a memo on board Adam Sandler's Punchable Face.  
EB: dave have you been changing the group name again?  
EB: it gets more ridiculous every day.  
EB. anyway.  
EB: okay guys it is time to help out a friend!  
gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo.  
GG: the friend is me!  
GG: its kind of a weird request…  
tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.  
TT: Do tell…  
GG: weeell…im kind of low on money at the moment aand i thought maybe having a flatmate might be a good solution to that problem!  
turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.  
TG: yeah jade actually can you tell us how exactly you got low on money?  
TG: i mean it kind of seems like youre loaded  
TG: you know since you live on your own fuckin ISLAND  
TT: I, too, am rather intrigued by that.  
GG: ugh okay my grandpa wont let me have access to his account until im 21  
GG: he did give me access to some savings but  
GG: well lets just say i learnt about internet shopping when i was eight and i REALLY liked squiddles!!  
TG: ahahaha jegus  
EB: jade how many squiddles do you own?  
GG: can we just let it go and talk about the flatmate thing :/  
TT: Yes I imagine it will be difficult to find someone who is willing to travel to an island in the middle of the pacific to live for an indeterminate amount of time.  
TG: an island full of squiddles  
EB: oh karkat is online he might be able to help  
ectoBiologist [EB] added carcinoGeneticist [CG] to memo.  
CG: YOU WANT A FLATMATE JADE?  
CG: HUH…AN ISOLATED ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC ISLAND.  
CG: WOW, I ACTUALLY THINK I KNOW SOMEONE WHO WOULD LIKE THAT.  
CG: YOU GRUBFUCKERS BETTER APPRECIATE THIS. KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE *ME* AS A FRIEND BECAUSE WHO ELSE COULD ACTUALLY FIND A SOLUTION TO YOUR INCREDIBLY RIDICULOUS PROBLEM SO FAST. BOW AT MY FEET, NOOKSTAINS.  
TT: As usual, Karkat, I am impressed by the profanities you create apparently out of nowhere.  
CG: SHUT UP ROSE, I'M GONNA GO GET HIM.  
TT: While usually I would be more than happy to banter with you for hours, I am rather curious to find out who this mysterious male person turns out to be. Please, go.  
GG: …hes been gone a while, i wonder who it is?  
EB: maybe it will be one of those people he went to primary school with, he does talk about them a fair bit.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] added twinArmageddons [TA] to memo.  
TA: um, hii.  
CG: FUCKWITS, THIS IS SOLLUX.  
GG: hi, im jade!! nice to meet you :)  
EB: hi sollux, im john.  
TT: Hello Sollux, my name is Rose. I believe Karkat has mentioned you previously. You are interested in programming, are you not?  
TA: hii guy2.  
TA: yeah, that2 riight. iim 2ure that2 not all he2 2aiid about me.  
TT: Indeed. However, much of it is not repeatable in polite conversation.  
TA: ahaha 2ound2 liike kk alriight.  
TA: um, 2o kk wa2 talkiing about a flatmate opportuniity.  
GG: yes! its kind of a big deal though, i live in the middle of nowhere, youd have to move a long way…  
TA: ii would actually be ok with that.  
TA: iim not exactly the most 2ociial per2on..  
TA: where ii2 iit?  
GG: i live on an island in the pacific ocean! you wouldnt need to worry about getting there, i know how to work the autopilot on the jet so itll take you!  
TA: whoa  
TA: ok let2 get thii2 2traiight.  
TA: you have a PRIIVATE JET but you cant afford unii??  
GG: i cant access my grandpas funds until im 21 and i only get a small amount monthly, its only for 3 years  
TA: do you liive un2upervii2ed on an ii2land.  
GG: well i have bec! hes my dog  
GG: aand…grandpa kind of turned his brain into an ai that keeps the house running  
TA: an AII??!!  
CG: HOLY SHIT JADE YOU MIGHT REGRET SAYING THAT.  
TA: ye2.  
TA: ye2 iim 2o iin.  
TA: iim 2o confu2ed but iif youre 2eriiou2 iim 2o iin.  
TA: holy 2hiit aii.  
GG: yay!! shall we sort out the details in a private chat?  
TA: hell ye2.  
TG: aw shit i went to get some aj and missed everything  
TG: whos the double mustard  
TG: seriously dude that typing quirk is giving me a headache  
EB: he is karkat's friend! he is gonna stay with jade.  
TG: jade are you serious  
TG: some guy you met 5 minutes ago on the internet  
TG: well gee okay i guess well settle down  
TG: live alone on a tropical island together and raise our lonely lonely children  
TG: who will never want for squiddles  
TG: OH WAIT FUCK turns out hes a psycho killer  
TG: a 30 year old man who likes watching you pee  
TG: if only i had listened to every internet safety ad ever written  
GG: dave!!!  
GG: i am trying to discuss serious things with sollux here and your awful messaging is driving me crazy!  
GG: i know you are just concerned for my safety, but sollux is a good friend of karkats and if he says hes alright then he is!  
TA: wow dude way two be a total douchebag.  
TA: you dont know anythiing about me and you a22ume ii liike watchiing people pee.  
TA: niice.  
TG: ohh no you didn’t  
GG: dave no!!  
GG: stop right there i can tell youre gonna go on and on and i am not in the mood  
GG: dave thats sollux, sollux thats dave  
GG: i am a grown woman and i am perfectly capable of making my own decisions i do not need anyone by the name of strider making any decisions for me!!  
GG: :(  
TG: oh shit its the frowny face  
TG: i guess i apologise or whatever but come on you gotta admit this is pretty strange  
TG: you really dont know the guy  
GG: i dont know him YET!  
GG: and i know he likes computers and robots and he wears glasses and lives in an apartment with his uncles and can hack into most of your pesterchums to find out your location  
TA: yeah, maybe you 2houldnt have mentiioned the la2t one jd.  
TG: well gee looks like youre best bros already i guess ill leave you to it  
TG: no room for a sane person looking out for his friend in this situation  
TG: guess ill just fuck off and update sbahj  
TG: leave you with the creepy privacy invading hacker who youre gonna welcome to casa de Harley with open arms  
TG: nothing could possibly go wrong

\---

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
CG: HEY SOLLUX.  
CG: YOU KNOW HOW YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING YOU WANT TO BE FAR FAR AWAY FROM PEOPLE?  
CG: WELL I THINK ALL YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED IN THE FORM OF A RIDICULOUSLY CHEERY GIRL WHO LIVES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN.  
TA: what the fuck are you on about kk.  
CG: YOU KNOW MY FRIEND JADE?  
TA: diidnt you 2ay 2omethiing about her haviing a robot one tiime?  
CG: UH, YEAH, SHE SEEMS TO LIVE IN SOME SUPER HIGH-TECH MANSION. SHE WANTS A FLATMATE AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO TAKE HER UP ON THAT OFFER.  
CG: YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR UNCLES, MAN. THEY SHOULD BE IN A HOME, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO LOOK AFTER THEM ALL THE TIME.  
TA: 2he liives iin a '2uper hiigh-tech man2iion' and 2he need2 a flatmate?  
CG: LET HER EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU. WHAT DO YOU THINK?  
TA: ii guess you're riight about my uncles.  
TA: cant beliieve iim 2uch a 2hiit2taiin iim gonna abandon the people who raii2ed me, though.  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP SOLLUX. YOU DON'T OWE THEM ANYTHING.  
CG: THEY NEED REAL, PROFESSIONAL HELP, AND YOU CAN'T GIVE THAT TO THEM. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO. YOUR RIDICULOUS FUCKING SELF-HATE BULLSHIT DEFINITELY HELPS NOONE. IT'S AWFUL THAT YOU HAD TO GROW UP LIKE THAT  
TA: iill talk two the giirl.  
TA: ii need two thiink some more.  
CG: SOLLUX…  
CG: SHE'D BE SAFE OKAY.  
CG: I MEAN SHE'S STRONG. SHE'S MAYBE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW. SHE MIGHT EVEN BE GOOD FOR YOU.  
TA: noones safe around me.  
TA: iill talk two her okay.  
twinArmageddons [TA] stopped trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

\--

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
EB: jade…  
EB: i can pretty much guess the answer to this but  
EB: you have a private jet you are 18 years old can you really not come and see us?  
EB: we have never met and you are taking some random friend of karkats into your home and…  
EB: well i want to meet you! why cant we meet you?  
GG: oh john  
GG: im sorry i would love to meet you you know i would!!  
GG: but weve been over this  
GG: i just cant okay its the rules of my island and i need to follow them  
GG: i really am sorry john

**Author's Note:**

> woo I did it it's posted!! Who knows when the next chapter will be up, I've been working on this for a long time and probably will continue for a long time. This fic is my first proper multichapter fic, first time coding pesterlogs (I understand the pain now) and I really hope it turns out well. I would love it if you gave kudos/commented. Thank you so much for reading :)


End file.
